back in action

Yes, I'm back you dirty hamsters. Lots to talk about. Check back soon.

Refresh

Big week. Real big. Big changes. I find that I feel refreshed, and newly energized. After all, as I said in my last post, when something really shitty happens you have 2 choices - to let it bring you down and ruin you, or to step up and say fuck this I'm going to rise above it. I'm choosing to do the latter. Earlier this week I felt like absolute crap and couldn't feel anything but upset. The thing that was strange was that I had anticipated the feelings for a long time prior and it honestly did not even matter at all when the time came. It hit me ten times harder than I thought it would and I had a very rough week overall. I came into the weekend realizing that it was pretty crucial to turn things around and get back to being me...the me that people like and want to be around. I think I had lost myself for a while this past year and that's not going to happen again, and it's certainly not going to continue any longer.

I find that some things really just anger me. Some of the things that made me sad just aggravate me when I think about them now, so I just put it out of my mind whenever those thoughts sneak in...or I just use it as fuel during workouts. People are amazing sometimes, both in disappointing ways and in positive ways as well. Certain people, 2 to be exact, have been instrumental in helping me get back up and helping me to feel good and just really kicking my ass to get out and get back to being myself. I think I've lost track of the countless hours I've spent talking things over with firefly and my parents and it's just so cool that some people are willing to take so much time out of their day to talk to me. It makes me feel good to know that people care that much about me, it's a great feeling. I owe them both big time and I definitely need to return that favor (labor day weekend firefleez!).

I think I'm going to start packing, I have some moves to make! Cheers~

Lately

So what's going on lately....well let's see here... I've been working a lot lately. I don't mean a lot like 9-5 everyday and omg I'm a little baby and can't handle it and life is just so hard. I mean 12+ hours working everyday, I mean getting to work at 6:30 or 7 and not leaving until about the same time or later in the evening. As you would imagine, that's pretty tiring and it definitely took me about a full 2 months to get used to it and to be able to stay up all day without really dragging in the afternoon. Finally I have gotten used to it though, and it's been a great time since I started and overall it's just been an awesome experience and a very lucky thing for me to have happen. It's been very humbling, and it's already taught me a ton about myself and other people so I honestly don't have any regrets.

Unfortunately, and expectedly, when you work that many hours a day it affects your personal life. I mean how could it not? On the average day when I go to work and then go to the gym on my way home, I don't get home till 8:30 or 9 p.m. Not exactly ideal for having a personal life or social life, but it's getting easier to make that work. It's funny how much more productive I am when I have so much less time. Anyway, thank god that the people I work with function as co-workers, friends, and therapists all at once. Without them being willing to listen and give me advice on things I would probably be on my phone with people back east all day everyday.

I suppose it's a little tough to write on here because I don't really know who reads it. So I'll discuss something non-personal. Positive attitude. I cannot even begin to explain how important having a positive attitude has been for me lately, without it I don't know that I'd still be here right now writing this. In the past 2 months, a whole lot has gone wrong. Seriously, a lot. Conversely, a lot has gone right. But you know what? The stuff that goes wrong has a stronger effect often times...it's just human nature. The important part though, and the skill I've recently developed, has been to have a positive attitude and to have emotional composure. The ability to have everything falling apart around you and still be standing there with a smile on your face having fun.

It's hard, it's really hard actually but at the end of the day you quickly realize that you have 2 options when you wake up each day. 1.) Let the shitty things bring you down and have a bad day. OR 2.) Put a smile on your face, put the awful shit in the back of your mind, and promise yourself that you're going to have a good day and have fun. I've been choosing number 2 for awhile now, although every now and then number 1 does get to me and I have a really rough day. What's tough for me, is that other than the people I work with I don't really have a physical support system out here. My support system is 99% on the east coast...and for any and all of you reading this who are one of the amazing people that I talk to everyday - thank you for being there. I know I remind you guys of how important your presence in my daily life is, but seriously - thank you for saving my life. Thank you for making me laugh, for being a wall to bounce ideas and thoughts off, thank you for your constant counseling and therapy, for everything. Mom and dad, you're both fully included in all of that. You guys all give me so much to look forward to and honestly a reason to wake up in the morning and keep working my ass off even though I feel totally alone out here most of the time. The one thing that combats those feelings and makes me forget about this situation - is you guys. Firefly, Hollywood, you are both second to none and I love you guys.

Things to look forward to....

I'm moving in about a month and a half, or possibly less. That's exciting, a new city will be cool and I need a physical change anyway. I need to hit the refresh button on my life and that will help to do so, and then a little after that I'll really hit the refresh button hard.

I get to go home for a week in august!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I'm looking forward to most, it happens to be for my birthday but who cares, I just want to be at home and spending time with my parents and friends. I'm looking forward to playing golf with my dad, going to the beach, going out with friends, eating good food that I can't get here, all of it. That basically keeps me going everyday, I talk about it so much it probably annoys the hell out of people but whatever I'm excited.

I guess that's about it, we have a company picnic/drinking festival and a rockies game to go to soon so that will be cool. And possibly a trip to the BlackHawk casino resort in the mountains paid for by the company....limos, hotel rooms, cash to gamble with...if we win this contest which we are in strong contention to win. That would be unreal, so I'm hoping we pull it off.

I think I'm out of ideas to write about for now, so I'm going to go get my laundry and probably go to bed. Have a great week everybody, cheers~

It's been awhile!

Wow yeah it has been quite awhile since I've written anything on here but a certain somebody, firefly actually, recommended I start writing again. I've referenced firefly before haven't I? I think so.

Anyway, I'll start writing again soon so stay tuned.

A collection of my favorite quotes about the importance of hope.

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"Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours."

"What're you talking about?"

"Hope."
-Shawshank Redemption

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“I know that you cannot live on hope alone, but without it life is not worth living.”
-Harvey Milk

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“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

-Albert Einstein

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...just some things to keep in mind when you're really feeling down.

Why workout? What's the big deal with the gym? I'll tell you.

Lately the topic of why I enjoy lifting weights has come up a few times with more than one person; more specifically why I'm a bit obsessive over it. I'd like to address the whole topic of people working out and the passion behind it. Maybe that will help people who don't get it to understand better. I have been asked a whole bunch of times why I'm so into working out, and what's so special about going to the gym, etc., etc., etc. so I'll see if I can explain. Now then....

The weight room is a place where people go to better themselves, and for that reason alone anybody I see in the weight room with me deserves my respect and I deserve theirs. It says something about a person if they are committed to going to the gym multiple times a week to exercise and better themselves physically. It says something about what kind of person you are if you are dedicated enough to go to the gym the majority of the week and sweat and work hard and push on through the pain to get the results you want. I have seen bad reactions from people when I say this, but honestly, I have a special respect reserved for other people I see at the gym all the time because they're driven to better themselves and they are there all the time as I am, pushing their limits and reaching for more.

In the weight room, everybody is equal. A lower class man could be working out next to the CEO of a fortune 500 company and in the gym it's all about work ethic, strength, and the will to push through the pain and sweat. That CEO may have all the money in the world, but that means nothing when it comes down to who's willing to sweat more and work harder and lift more.

In the weight room it's you versus the weights. It doesn't matter if other people don't think you work out, it doesn't matter if they can't tell you love lifting more than anything, what matters is the weight you put up week in and week out and the fact that you're busting your ass in there to get stronger. The satisfaction of setting a new personal best with an exercise is something that nobody can take away from you, and the strength it takes to do it is something they can't touch either. The years of working out for hours a day, almost every day, the constant drive to better yourself, and the countless amounts of sweat you put into working out is something that people who don't work out will never understand. They will never understand the determination you have and the work ethic you possess, and they won't understand that huge smile on your face when you finish a workout and you've benched more than you ever dreamed you could or you leg pressed over 4 times your own weight. They just won't get it, and that's alright.

The weights don't change, they don't take it easier on you, they don't give in if you're not having a good day. They make you work for everything you get, they make you earn it. The weights teach you lessons about yourself. You learn what you're really capable of in the gym, you learn that just because your muscles are burning and the lactic acid is building up and you can't catch your breath doesn't mean you're finished. It means that you're in your zone, and that you're putting in some serious work. It teaches you not to give up on other things, it teaches you to stick with something until you get the results you want, it teaches you not to settle for anything less than what you want.

It reveals your own inner character, because at the end of the day, you're either going to grit your teeth and crank out that last set or you're going to make up an excuse and quit on yourself. When you find that you're tough enough to work yourself to exhaustion and even nausea at times, you'll find that you develop self-respect and confidence. The physical benefits will come too, but more important than anything else - you'll know what you're capable of, you'll know how hard you're willing to work, and you'll know just how strong you can be. And nobody can ever, ever take that away from you.

The seemingly-never-ending quest for a job.

Hello there ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. This post is about me and my search for a job, or rather, the string of rejections that compose my, "job search". I left my job as a financial advisor in early December because as I may have mentioned before, it paid me absolutely nothing. Since that first week in December, I have been looking for a new job with very little luck. Granted, it has only been about a month and a half at this point of looking...but it's still a very large pain and quite humbling. Seriously, nothing makes you feel quite so useless as getting rejected from jobs more times than you can even keep count of. I send out a few apps a day, and so at this point I've truly lost track of a lot of them. The fun part is when I get e-mail rejections from jobs that I forgot I applied for (end sarcasm). That always brings me back down to earth, but motivates me to apply more too.

On another note, college is worth the money and effort. It is. I know this, you know this, we all know it, but I have to tell you - until you have a job and more importantly until you have $$$ to show for it...having a college degree doesn't really make you feel like anything is different about you. And in reality, it's not. But still, it'd be nice to get something for all that hard work wouldn't it? Someday.

Ok so I have 2 different hypotheses as to why I can't get a job. We'll start with the one that makes me seem less like a useless idiot for the sake of my self esteem.

1.) "The economy and job market are in a bad place" reason:

-This is true and all, but everybody thinks they're special and so that shouldn't apply to us. I was like that for awhile...until I forgot how many times I got shot down for a job I applied for. Now I realize I'm just like anybody else, and I'm not special or anything. Humbling, seriously. I could go on and on about the economy and this country but it's boring and too much to write. Simply put, our country really really really needs to get it's f-ing act together. This isn't news to anybody, but honestly when was the last time things were good in this country? I mean good as in unemployment rates and the state of the economy and financial markets and when we weren't sticking our hands in every other country's business constantly. Before 9/11/2001? Probably still a few more years before that even because we have to account for the tech bubble bursting and all that fun stuff.

2.) The "you really suck and are dumber than a fake leg" reason:

-Hopefully this isn't true, but I gotta tell ya...it sure feels like it sometimes.

So what's a guy to do?

NPH has the answer. Oh and italics won't turn off now, maybe I really am dumber than a fake leg. Anyway here's the answer, and here's what I do.

Thanks for reading my stupid stories and thoughts, have a great day!